Here's a piece from last term. The theme for the poem assignment was "A Time My World Changed."
The day my world changed was a blur of brown boxes..
City lights swirling like they were putting on a show..
Cars screaching by
leaving the smell of rubber in the air..
Glass breaking
car alarms blairing
people out all night..
Gun shots bang
I'm sensitized to the sound..
I don't even flinch
as I sit on the couch..
Walking outside
everybody knows your name..
running the streets
as if i never became tired..
Beating the street lights home..
That was then..
now I'm looking out my window
I see nothing at all..
No more apartments
no more broken bottles..
No more of that place
that I came to love..
Now cute little houses standing side by side
like a group of soldiers going to war..
No more sirens
I hear nothing but silence..
Never knowing how loud being quiet could be..
This new place I will never call home
It feels anything but..
That was the day my world changed.
If I were to give this student online feedback, here's what I'd say:
Powerful moment! You really capture the idea of Home and what that means to you.
Look at your line breaks--are there places you can use enjambment to emphasize specific thoughts/make more powerful points?
I love your two opening lines--really good use of imagery.
Look at the line,
If I were to give this student online feedback, here's what I'd say:
Powerful moment! You really capture the idea of Home and what that means to you.
Look at your line breaks--are there places you can use enjambment to emphasize specific thoughts/make more powerful points?
I love your two opening lines--really good use of imagery.
Look at the line,
"running the streets
as if i never became tired.."
It feels a little awkward.
Also look a the 2nd half of the poem. How can you use concrete images to SHOW us even more how it differs from your original home?
Great image of the homes that look like soldiers.
In giving online feedback, I think it's best to ask questions, to create a space for students to figure out how they can make their writing stronger. It's a difficult place to proofread, so I prefer a hard copy when the editing version comes along.
Your feedback is going to vary depending on what your purpose is for that version of your writing. I hate to make editing corrections until the penultimate version, otherwise students get wrapped up in conventions and their creativity can get stifled. When we study the 6 Traits, I'll often focus on just one or two of those traits to really hone in on those skills.
When teaching students to give peer online feedback, I'll often ask questions they should ask themselves when reading someone's work such as,
A. Are descriptive words specific? (words like big, small, nice, amazing, good, etc. are pretty useless in poetry)
B. Are there similes/metaphors? These things help your reader SEE and EXPERIENCE what you have.
C. Does the poem avoid cliches?
D. Is the title thoughtful?
E. Does the poem surprise you, or is it fairly predictable?
F. What is the most effective element of the poem as it's written?
Other times I've had students post a 1st and 2nd version of an assignment (the 1st version is their initial attempt, the 2nd version is a revision after I've made comments) and have students post comments on what they noticed the writer has changed. This is a very effective way for kids to see what kinds of comments I give, and therefore to see what kinds of suggestions/observations they can make in the future.
I always emphasize that we're taking care of each other, and helping each other to be better writers. I don't allow any peer editing at all until I feel we've established community and students are starting to trust one another.
It feels a little awkward.
Also look a the 2nd half of the poem. How can you use concrete images to SHOW us even more how it differs from your original home?
Great image of the homes that look like soldiers.
In giving online feedback, I think it's best to ask questions, to create a space for students to figure out how they can make their writing stronger. It's a difficult place to proofread, so I prefer a hard copy when the editing version comes along.
Your feedback is going to vary depending on what your purpose is for that version of your writing. I hate to make editing corrections until the penultimate version, otherwise students get wrapped up in conventions and their creativity can get stifled. When we study the 6 Traits, I'll often focus on just one or two of those traits to really hone in on those skills.
When teaching students to give peer online feedback, I'll often ask questions they should ask themselves when reading someone's work such as,
A. Are descriptive words specific? (words like big, small, nice, amazing, good, etc. are pretty useless in poetry)
B. Are there similes/metaphors? These things help your reader SEE and EXPERIENCE what you have.
C. Does the poem avoid cliches?
D. Is the title thoughtful?
E. Does the poem surprise you, or is it fairly predictable?
F. What is the most effective element of the poem as it's written?
Other times I've had students post a 1st and 2nd version of an assignment (the 1st version is their initial attempt, the 2nd version is a revision after I've made comments) and have students post comments on what they noticed the writer has changed. This is a very effective way for kids to see what kinds of comments I give, and therefore to see what kinds of suggestions/observations they can make in the future.
I always emphasize that we're taking care of each other, and helping each other to be better writers. I don't allow any peer editing at all until I feel we've established community and students are starting to trust one another.
2 comments:
I love that you give the students specific questions they should ask about the persons writing rather than just talking about how to phrase comments constructively, as I do. That's very good. Concrete is good.
I'm going to use that this week.
I suspect those comments were ones that you actually used during your creative writing on blogs unit... Am I right?
Yup.
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